Did that headline get your attention? Well, there's a lot of truth to it. I normally would not write something like this, but one of my resolutions is to "Be Bolder" so here goes.
Before we get down, let's back up a little bit and figure out a few things. Don't worry I'll keep this post PG-13.
First, two questions for you to ponder: Are you having enough sex? Is the sex good?
Now, I am no sex expert, but I am a living, breathing human female and can speak almost to the majority that we need good loving. The problem though is that this rarely happens. Why? Because we are just too darn busy. Busy with the kids, the housework, our careers, our social obligations and other things too many to list.
So what was your answer to the two question above.
If you answered "No", it's ok! The reasons may be many but it boils down to a few things: lack of time, lack of desire for your partner and lack of energy. These are all correlated, but let's look at each separately.
Lack of Time
This is probably the number reason for the lack of action. Between your job, the kids, the dog, the social activities, the things you've said "Yes!" to and the many other obligations, your days seem to just blur together. You barely have time for yourself, let alone time to spend with your partner. I mean, take a look at your calendar, how over scheduled is it? How often are you double booked or overbooked? How often have you arrived at a place already apologizing for being late? I get it, you are busy, but is that busyness worth it? Are you getting any value from what you are doing? Are you doing it just because it's what you've always done? Are you doing it because you fear missing out? Let's be honest with ourselves.
Lack of Desire for Your Partner
Part of the reason why you may not be doing it as much because you no longer connect with your partner. Well, with your separate schedules, you two seem to live separate lives. You barely spend time together. One of you is always rushing off to be someplace else, for a meeting, for the kids. How often do you sit down and talk to your partner about your goals, dreams and fears? You know, the kinds of things you talked about when you were teenagers. When you lose that emotional connection with someone, it's difficult to be physical and for that physical connection to be good.
Lack of Energy
See also "Lack of Time" but this one extends more beyond the schedules. This one is also about everything else that's taking space in your head. While you may be running around physically, your mind is also busy even when your body is at rest. This cognitive overload leads to stress and drains your energy. Who feels sexy when they are just plain tired? Absolutely no one! Without energy, it's difficult to feel hyped up and excited.
How Does Minimalism Help?
Well, the goal of Minimalism is to focus on things that you value. I hope that your partner is someone that you value. I hope that a good sex life is something that you value. To start, we need to address the things that are taking up your time, that are disconnecting you from your partner and that is draining your energy. In all likelihood, all of these things most likely boil down to what you own and how it owns you.
- TV. Watching TV is a time suck. Remove it from your bedroom or cut down on tv watching. This gains you about one to two hours every day. That's time you are reclaiming. Trust me you won't miss much and you'll actually help your mind feel more at ease. So what do you do with these regained hours: how about wine time with your partner so that you can talk like adults instead of zoning out in front of the tv.
- Dirty Clothes. This may have been fine when you were in your early 20's, but it's time to clean up the act. If clothing cannot be put away properly, it most likely means two things: it's not worth putting away or there's no place for it to go. If either of this is the case, then it's time to donate the excess. When you don't have as many options lying around, you take better care of your things and this means you put them away instead of piling them on an empty chair. This chair with a pile of stuff on it is not sexy and needs to be removed. How can you concentrate on your partner if you are staring at a pile of dirty clothes?
- Toys. Children's toys should have their own designated place. They do not belong in your bedroom. If you are constantly picking up toys from many rooms in the house, it's an energy suck. The best way to fix this is to reduce the amount of toys your children have. You can love and give to your children, but you don't have to swim and drown in their toys. If you think your kids don't have a lot of toys, lay them out on your living room and see how much space they take up.
- Negative Thoughts. Whether you realize it or not, you are influenced by everything around you. Don't let magazines, television, billboards, and others dictate the way you feel about yourself. Reduce your intake of social media to reduce the comparison syndrome because no matter what, you life is good, your partner is sexy and you are worth it.
- Busyness. Being busy is not a mark of importance. Define what's important to you and ruthlessly cut out the rest. This results in regained time and increased happiness.
- Money. An excess amount of stuff usually means an excess amount of spending. If the thought of money is draining your energy or creating a rift between you and your spouse, then it's time to assess if what you own or want to own is warranted. When considering a purchase, think about how this item will affect how you use your time?
Women in particular have this habit or this need or this want to do it all. The pressure creates a million to-do lists in our minds. This does not bode well for the sex life. The next time you are in action and find yourself completely disconnected, remember that thought and figure out how to eliminate it. If it's a chore, an obligation, or anything else, think long and hard about why it needs your attention. When you start removing things and thoughts that no longer serve you, you make room for better, more valuable connections.
Partners also need to step in here. Take some of the load and worry from your significant other. Be open to minimizing and change. You'll be surprised at how much it will help both of you in the long run.